..underneath my being is a road that disappeared!

i am back in reality now..to the little polluted box I live in! I am still in the verge of waking up from my dream and trapped in between my wild fantasy. I try to open my eyes and my mind, being stubborn and selfless is still in denial. This is not where I belong! I hear my mind scream and I let out a sympathetic sigh! My sweet innocent mind...my helpless heart...this is where life stops! Freedom ..such a sweet feeling! I felt like a bird up in the sky, with a direction of her own and now I am shot and lie trapped in the cage ..yeah the little polluted box I live in has once again caught me alive!

*sad sign and tap for help*

My polluted box is raving about the voting these days which I missed cos I was too consumed by my sense of freedom somewhere else! Evryone seems to have this ugly mark on their fingers which defined either victory or defeat for them. Everyone goes on and on about the change! Some of them celebrating in triumph and some of them shaking their heads in despise..and many of them (mostly those who voted for change) nervous and biting their nails cos they have no clue what the change is going to be. So the change...is it going to transform this place to "a city that never sleeps" with its neon lights and endless music shows or is it going to be what the promises were all about..a better tommorow! Me, I am just a spectator wondering of what the whole thing would turn into. We have never tasted the change ..and none of us really knows what to expect. For some reason the "victorious ruler to be" is surrounded by pathetic liars and I dont trust them. Take the movie star for an example..i had at some point had dinner with him and couple of my agents and all he went on and on about was the grudge he had with the "defeated ruler" and not about what the country needs. So in the end is this all abt a grudge or are they gonna bury the hatchet and move on! This could be the calm before the storm or the sunrise of a beautiful tommorow..we just need to wait and see..and me being the spectator, trapped in my little cage, waiting to fly away, watches the celebration in my own weird calm way.

*Silence*

I am color blind, coffee black and egg white!

With the drop of the vote slip into the box i thought the campaign spree was over..no more late night shows and shouting near my place..no more pickups driving along the roads shouting to the loud speaker or whatever they call it these days..no more...but as soon as the results are out, it all began like a storm waiting to crash into the streets of MAle'. And now where ever I go its maumoon vs anni...who did what? why we need a change? unity..bla bla bla...my ears are constantly tortured with politics urrgh..so as the ignorant person i am, i sit there, sipping my coffee and puffing out my menthol ciggies...and listen to people's justifications.

Welcome to the crazy land of puppets who are bent to the so called politics!! I have no clue how this is gonna end..and i dont care! Sweet ignorance is blisss!!

Couple of days back i saw this weird dream of me suffocating and freezing to death and after that, I wake up every night panting and sweaty..last night i started coughing in the sleep. I did google what my dream meant and it says that when i am in a relationship for too long it suffocates me ..sometimes, actually most of the times i tend to get really supertitious. I am not suffocating in my relationship with Navin..my life wont make sense without him.. but sometimes i do want to flyaway..as nelly futardo sings..i am like a bird ..i wanna fly away..i dont know where my soul is..i dont know where my home is..

I wait for a moment ..for the door to open and to fly away....and i know no matter how far i go the bird always comes back to where it belongs..

I saw this weird Indian movie called Heart, Friendship etc (translated) and in a crazy way it justifies a lot of mistakes i have made in the past..most of the puzzles in a way made sense..it made me realise that whatever mistakes i have made, it was nothing to do with betrayal or relationship..it was just the journey of seeking myself..and thats what mistakes are about..finding yourself. No matter how deep you fall you do rise from the ashes..and sometimes we do make the same mistakes not because we dont know the consequences ..just to feel the touch of air in your hair..the smell of freedom while you spread your arms and close your eyes...and although you hit hard with unhealed bruises all over your soul..the mistakes will remain like the kiss that lingers on your lips.

The true harvest of my life is intangible - a little star dust caught, a portion of the rainbow I have clutched

It was amazing to see her again ..Sharon..my savior to drag me out of the slump I was in 5 years back. After being humiliated and fired I was in need of a drop of confidence medicine. I have never been put in a place where I was stripped off my confidence and left naked..exposed to depression! Life, sometimes needs an electric shock to open your eyes and get out of the fairy tale you are brought up in and face reality. Sometimes you just needs to be pushed out of your comfort zone. Nothing in life is for free.. nothing in life is easy…you take chance and live by it..your life is sometimes defined by one single action..your life is sometimes like routine episodes of living the same day over and over again… LIFE???

Sharon almost jumped up on me when she saw me.. !! She looked the same. She introduced me to her boyfriend who seems much better the ones she used to date. We talked on and on until her boyfriend told her that they would miss the flight if she didn’t check in..so she hugged me and was gone..again! I still remember the day she left from the project I worked with her.. Actually it was more like I worked for her as she was my manager. We were more like friends than colleagues. After she left the project I was promoted to Project Manager and I was pushed into a world of 2000 construction South African and American guys whose every second word is “fXXX” ..but instead of breaking me it make me stronger..afterall, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger right?

When you work with people from other countries trying to inhale the experience within the small time they are here and take a piece of Maldives with them, you wonder if you would ever see them again. It was the same with Sharon … she loved Maldives..the water, the sun, the sea…by the time she resigned she was a bit of a Maldivian herself..

There are times when I think of all those people I met..where would they be? The little girl near my neighbourhood whom I went to school with, my bestfriend when I was 15 and lost contact with because her husband doesn’t want her to be friends with anyone..anymore, the teacher who taught me how to draw a “manavaru”, the boy who taught me how to play “boduberu” (I used to skip my speech practice for Dhivehi day and go to play boduberu), my vibrant room mate …where are all those people who was part of who I am now.. a part of my child hood…my life! I like to think of all those people as a color of the rainbow …as my life had been a colorful one…too colorful that sometimes it does blind me and force me to lose my direction..

Sharon has made me think again..maybe the world is too small now..you will end up seeing familiar faces everywhere you go..you just don’t make the people you meet a color of the rainbow..each person is a rainbow and it is not in the shape of a half moon ..its a spiral.. a spiral of rainbow that collides with you again and again..

I went back to the office..contended..one day I will meet all my rainbows!!