You are nothing but a picture on the wall!!

My success had always been believing in myself..i am like this person who would scream on top of my voice that "I believe I can fly" although I would feel my world going in circles if I tried flying. Thats me!! The believer!!

For the longest time of my life I believed my life was my work. From the time when I was eighteen I had worked to achieve what I wanted. My triumph had not been the awards I have won or the pat in the back when I have completed the "impossible" as my superior said. It was the day when I knew I could pay for my ALevel exams from the money I made by teaching. That was the day, when I believed that in life all you need to do is try. One of my closest friends had told me the day I quit my job that "nothing comes for free" and believe me I have learnt it the hard way at the age of eighteen. It was never free!!

I have fallen so many times and crawled to the top..holding on to my belief. I have tasted the days of glamour, shared my moments with the wonderful people and have experience a world full of glitter that i got lost in. Yes..work was my life until I found out it was only a picture that hung on the wall. And the most beautiful picture you can ever imagine as all these years I just stood there hypnotized by its glamour...just staring at the picture.

And when I took out the picture with my hands shaking and consumed with fear, instead of an empty wall I saw options..choices..opportunities..Saw my home, my bubble in a whole different perspective. I could easily color the wall, furnish it or break it. All these days I ignored the wall and just concentrated on the picture!!

And now I am sitting in front of the wall..watching it..planning..dreaming..and frustrated that all the choices, options depends on one piece of paper in the hand of the Bank. Frustrated that if the Bank decides to flash us with denial of the loan I might need to place the picture on the wall..How I wish I would never have to do that again? How I wish I get to color this wall..with our dreams. How I wish I could fly away and get our "condition" solved in a better place..How I wish..

My life is not limited to the picture anymore...My life is where my home is...where our hope for kids are..My life is at the moment waiting and wishing..

Show me a garden that will burst into life..and fascinate me!!

I am trying to cut free from my desires and what had been my identity for the longest time. And as I sipped my coffee last night, analysing every move I need to make, he made this one comment that described me perfectly. "You want the world to fascinate you". Its amazing how at times Navin could read my mind..its like he knows me more than I know myself..I sighed and answered "Yes!"

I have lived in my own wonderland for my whole life. I need my miracle people, my super heroes and even the damsel in distress to revolve around me. It doesnt define me as some one who neglect reality..I simply make reality my dreamland. How many times have we analysed people and asked ourselves is this going to me my ally or someone i need to keep my distance from me. I had always been fascinated by people I meet..I try to work out in my mind, this beautiful stories that would make them who they are. There were so many times when I would analyse my class mates on my first day and put myself in their shoes and act like them infront of them. I can easily be the serious one and the one that dazzles the place. Its the way I am..i can turn from a butterfly to a moth..or from the rainbow to the rain..

Well, mostly those whom I am fascinated with are those I cannot define..those of them who wear too many shoes or have these bricks built around them to hide themselves from the world..and no matter how hard I try I can never read through them. Maybe what fascinated me to Navin was the fact that I cannot read through him..every day is a mystery..a beautiful sketch I needed to paint. And I am fascinated by his patience, by the sense of security that he covers me in and the blissful calm that he breathes in. And last night as I walked in the moonlight with him i felt contended. My wonderland can still go on..my fascination can still live on..cos no matter how many mistakes I make or journeys I take..Navin will be my fascinating miracle person who would heal me everytime I bruise.