Putting my arms around a prayer!!

Once again, I am inspired to write..about me..about my "transit" moment as I call it. I know its not just me going through all this and what inspired me to write this morning is one of those women who went through the same. I hope one day, someone in the same journey as I am would read this and get some light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, even a beam of light matters for now! It lifts me up..specially after the way I cheated on the eggs that lay faraway in some laboratory waiting for me to come back. Today was one of those days when I got tempted to take another pregnancy test which as usual was negative. And being the person, in the dream land, I even made my sisters wish me luck for something that as doctors said is "impossible". And here I am disappointed once again, at the whole situation..at the whole humor in all of this..

I guess I am just one of those millions who feels like a passenger in a train that keeps moving yet taking the same roads, seeing the same field, the same rivers and even the same little birds that chirps the most wonderful songs you can hear. But sometimes, you need to get off the train, go to a beach instead and feel the waves kissing your feet. Sometimes, you need to swim with the dolphins and hear the music of the sea..sometimes, you just need a different life, no matter how beautiful everything around you is. I am blessed I know with wonderful families both mine and Navins..great friend that helps me even if they dont know it..with their crazy and funny talks in our constant coffee sessions. And yet, I know my life would always feel empty. And then I wait, for the train to pass the same field and admire the same birds...

I remember those days when my life was too occupied to even think about the scenery around me. I miss those mornings when I would drink the coffee in one gulp and run off to catch the ferry, the fascination on others eyes when I put out the show, the deadlines and my love-hate relationship with the emails. I guess that was the moments i felt alive most. Is it better to ignore the scenery and create your own illusions as I did before or sit and explore every drop of color, every bit of wind, every sound that makes your world a reality, as I am doing now! Giving up my hectic life which was part of who I am today was never easy and was neither an option for me. It was something I had to do, for a better tomorrow for me and Navin.

There are many times now adays when I feel that my life could be a marriage to number of medications and broken dreams but then again I picture the glitter in Navin's eyes and the smile of a proud father when finally I get to tell him he is going to be a dad. Most of the times, thats what gets me going and the other times its just because I am too much of an optimist to give this all up!

So for all those people on the same train as me, you are not alone! This was the moment when I almost collapsed and decided to write and with each letter I am draining out the emotions that holds me back and breaks me down. I hope you find something to hold on to..a reason to fight for!! I hope this would inspire as one of those million woman had given me hope.

and the world awaits..!!

I woke up today inspired to write..something I havent done in a long time..so what do I write about..my life, my world or just the routine of the continuous raving I go on and on about every day. Being away from the rush and finally away from the busy lifestyle I have adapted to ahs made me well..slow down and forced me to look around me. Last night I explored the people near my place listening to someone filled with anger and disgust for whats going on around him. Despite my effort to drown his voices with the loud music from my ipod I cannot help but hear him for the 5 minutes I crossed the whole "gathering". People were just sitting there and listening. How can you listen to all those angry words thats creating such a negative vibe around you? And the previous night it was the same surrounding but had different type of people...there was music bands spreading their music around you and the whole place was packed with youngsters enjoying the beats and breathe the positivness around them. Same place, same time, different nights, different vibe. With all the running around and jumping on and off ferries I have indeed missed the whole transformation. For the last 5-6 years my job had required me to miss the whole scene and today as I chose to settle down I am caught between how much Male' has changed in these small time. Did the politics bring us to stand between anger and content? or has anger become some sort of necessity that you need to take in to live in the society? Do you need to be in a certain side to belong? Early days its just been trying to live your life and dealing with what life puts in front of you. You go to work, hang out with your friends, come home and be with your loved ones.. it was easy and slow. But then again, this is what my world has shown me and I might have "missed out" what had brought in whats going around in anyone else's world. I have been always called the ignorant one anyway..

So, here I am trying to absorb what everyone around me has adapted themselves to.

Little You, Little Me, Little Boxes of Mine

This time life came to me as a breathe of air that consumed my world and lifted me to the sky only to find that I was this close to drown in the clouds. So as fast as it lifted me, I am very much trying to come down and wrap myself with the same sense of familiarity that comforted me. And in my short journey to the sky, I have met so many personalities that kind of transformed me for a while. But, I am what I am..by end of the day I always become what I am.

And as bad as it would sound I do put every person I meet in different boxes called “leagues”. There are people who are in the same box as I am and some of them so far away that I would not want to cross that path ever again. I feel comfortable with those, now who would not close themselves with one thought, and make you feel that yes things in this life does make sense. Paths you take are not as tangled as it seems. Its just a matter of looking at it from a different perspective. Your mind is as open as the world and yes sometimes its ok to live in an illusion as long as you don’t let it take over you.

I have met so many of those whose life is wrapped in their own belief that they go blind to whatever the world is about. But then again, the worst of them are when they believe in something but feel something else. If your belief is that strong why would you feel anything else apart from what your mind is designed to ..well..believe. These people also tell you something else although they act in such a different way that you cannot figure them out. Do they live in a lie created by themselves or do they create a wall around them that has written either deception or confusion around it. And by doing this, they don’t only neglect what life is about but also hurt so many people around them. Whats the use of a belief if you cant properly follow it. In a world that is so open and free, and is all about appreciating the beauty around you aren’t you “supposed” to live it and let live. Sometimes, I do get fascinated by this “league” of people and for a while I tried to fit myself in this box only to find myself more confused and longing to a bit of fresh air. The confusion in their eyes, the misery of them being stuck in a world that they perhaps thought they believe in and a belief that to some extend doesn’t make sense made me feel trapped. There are too many supposed to be, have to do and cannot do in their world. No, I could never be in that league although it fascinates me to what extend they can actually hold on to a lie they have created by themselves. I am so out of that league and yet again back in my own league of box and ready to move on..it took me a while but I am glad to be back!

And then there are those, who feels that the world revolves around them. I looked at them from a distance and felt their pain. They strive to fit in but disapprove of every thing that happens around them. If you do choose to live in a society you got to respect what the society is about. You cannot split the world to good and evil. There is no evil or good..there is the way of how you look at them. You cannot judge anyone unless you have lived their life. What makes a person is not only the family they are born to but also the pain they have suffered, the happiness they have consumed, the love that had fulfilled them or the injustice that had broken them. The lifestyle doesn’t choose you ..You choose them based on what your life has given you. And who has the right to tell you if you are on the right path or not, if you didn’t hold their hands and walked every single step with them. Living in a closed world of your own is the worst. No, you don’t need to live others lifestyle you just need to respect it!

The worst of all are the ones that looks down on every person around you, divides them into colors, countries, societies and still live among them. I have no words for these ones as I don’t think they deserve to be among such beautiful souls and should be locked in a place with their own “league”. Their mockery towards people just because they don’t share the same culture disgusts me.

And here I am, today wrapping all these up..and ready to make a move. It was indeed an adventure but as Alice In wonderland felt the need to leave the fantasy world and face reality, I feel the need to go back to where I will find my comfort. Don’t get me wrong..the fantasy world I lived in fascinated me and made me a better person. I could now see the world better. I am out of the glamour world I was once trapped in and ready to settle down. I am not on the move but yet I feel that there is a whole world, opening its arm to me and waiting for me. So adios lovely people..let me just live a little while in your world and I hope I had touched your hearts the way you all had touched mine.

It doesn’t matter any more to me what road I take..I am just ready for the thrill of what surprises I will meet on my way

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

My way of expressing fashion illustration

Life comes to you in different phases. You just need to welcome the flood and the rainbows. You need to create your passion and drive your imagination. My passion has been too many things over these years..it had built me, broke me and at times consoled me. Right now, I am obsessed with learning a new chapter of my passion for painting…”Fashion Illustration” try it out, it fascinating and all about creating your own style. And here they are..my paintings – my consolation through bad times, my way of letting my imagination run wild, my thrive to grow my passion and fascinate myself each day!!

The Bubble Girl

Yes..I am her! The bubble girl..floating, flying, sliding, living in a bubble world..Yes I am her! The raindrop on a sunny day..the cloud next to the rainbow..the wave kissing the beach..I am her! Exploring the unknown world..but dont they say..the simplest things in life is the most extraordinary. And here I am and here she is..on a journey to discover the simple things in life.

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Moving away from the fears..The bitternes..the strange feelings ..cos these feelings are like a firefly and I am too bright for it..And in the depth of its eyes..i saw her drowning!

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Trying to be happy for no reason..trying to capture the world in my arms. Cos i feel that maybe right at this moment, the universe is on my side. And i just want to move along with it.

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Swirling and dancing to the rhytm of life. Releasing the dreams..embracing the desires. Waiting for the miracle. Not following the "plan"..Breathing life into me..

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Soaking in joy..And now that I have nothing to lose, I am finally free!

Just a moment...

And here I am again..on top of the mountain searching for a way to the field below..to taste the water from the lake..to breathe in the fresh air..I wrap my arms around me..the freezing cold is going to slowly take my life away. A moment..thats what I have..A moment with the cold, the mountain and the scenery beneath my feet..

Isnt our lives all about the moment. The journey we have never taken, the incomplete love, the regrets, the pain, the smiles..life, an endless whirlwind of emotions..constantly changing you, transforming you..

Dont you ever think that maybe we do have those wings that we always dreamt about. We just dont have a clue of the destination it will take us. We are as humans constantly flying from the mountain to the lake, to the stream where we stop by to take the forbidden bath and back to the mountain where we freeze and consume the angry cold wind. I have been here..too many times..to the top of the mountain..and it had looked so beautiful from a distance. What glitters indeed is not gold..

And then again..would I miss the cold when sunshines kisses my skin..would I find the sun to warm to survive, would I find the air to fresh to breathe..why do we keep on covering ourselves with the same blanket of comfortness. Do I have to leap before I know its too deep..where are the hidden wings when you need to fly away..

We do live in constant fear of losing what we have come to love..the shell that we are comfortable in crawling into..yes..we are independant, we are free yet each one of us crawl into our shells at time of darkness and despair. The shell that warms us up, gives that illusion that maybe this is where we belong. And we begin to live in that..ahhh..moment!! just a moment, thats all there is...

Mix it up until there are no Pedigrees

I kept staring at the ceiling ..black paints..and then my eyes shift to the wall..green!! And they matched perfectly fine! This is how its meant to be..mixing together..evolving together..loving together..regardless of which color you are!

Its a pity at times you are told that you are treated a certain way cos of what color you are or which country you are from. World can be cruel at times. World can be a can of bull shit mixed with their complicated issues that doesnt make sense. I can never be someone like Nelson Mandela who will fight for a stronger good. Call me a coward..call me an ignorant goose..and i wont be able to say anything back cos I know I could never have guts to fight back..

And today I am thrown in to the side where I am supposed to judge others because I am not their league. and i refuse to do so. I might not fight for you but I stand in this line where I refuse to look down on someone just because they are not part of this twisted society we live in.

And i salute you..for leaving your family to work for this place cos the so called country men find a certain job too low for themselves. I salute you the guy placing stones on the pavement so there wont be flooded roads like it used to be. I salute you the garbage man because now its not part of our daily routine work to go and throw away garbage like our parents used to do. I salute you the pool guy who carries the dirty towels and the cleaner who leaves my room spotless. I salute all of you who left their family.. who are the real fighters..who makes our daily life easy. I salute you all who are working for a better economy for my country although its your personal interests that keeps you here

And then we complain..why arent we in a certain position. Have you ever tried to work your way up? Go one step ahead..have you ever thought why you are where you are today?

And have you ever thought while we are trying so hard to blame others the world is moving on and we need to walk with the world. Have you ever looked around you ...the brands, the fashion, the growth..arent we still stuck in our own little fairy tale world..and we say we deserve this? Just think. Act.

Yes!! We are all here. and its time to work together. To think beyond colors and nationalities. Think. Act.