The world with no ceiling...

Are you unmanned by the dark or awed by the light that surrounds you? I know I am, everytime I take a ride with either of those. And at the times when hope does seem faint or the destination seems like an unrealistic dream I reach out for something or someone that can guide me back home. We all do!! It doesn’t mean we need to believe in a mighty good or if someone is looking down on us guiding us through..we just reach out because humans are dependant…on our needs, our dreams and more importantly our desire to survive.
I have so many times rebelled against those who have told me everything happens for a greater good. I don’t believe that. Things just happen ..maybe there is a reason for it to but there might not be any good or evil attached to it. If you really think about what you hear around you..about the homeless person who rushes into a garbage bag before dawn, a child left by the parents for selfish reasons, a parent abandoned by the kids, people killing their own to fulfill an unreasonable justification, a mom weeping for her dead child…if you really think, would you believe all this lead to a better tomorrow. I used to live in a neighbourhood who minded their own business, who respected eachother’s privacy and whenever we were in a bad situation you find the neighbours at your doorstep. Today, just steps before I enter my house I have seen crowds gathered in my neighbourhood fighting because they believed in a different policy or hear filthy music blasting from next door about some politician. Would I believe that politics knocked on this country’s door for a greater good. My neighbourhood has been split to different political parties and I have heard 13 year olds spilling blood for these reason. Should a 13 year old who is supposed to be enjoying the latest rock band collection or finding the latest playsstation games the most fascinating thing in the world , care about a political argument going on..And then we close our eyes and say everything happens for the best!! Ironic world!
I have painted happiness and misery in one picture too many times. And I write when I am inspired. Where there is darkness there is light..that is so true!! I am inspired by a movie of a homeless man with extraordinary talent , and unfortunately with a situation called schizophrenia who found a friend, who was saved by a friend. The movie tells you about how in a world of such selfishness has a greater power of kindness that can still save people. I believe each one of us has this kindness inside us..but it depends on how we put it into use. Just see around you..observe…breathe in once in a while..maybe you can unveil that kindness you have forgotten. Things doesn’t happen so that the greater good can enter your doorstep ..Things happen and its up to you on how you can bring that greater good to your doorstep and spread it around! Life doesn’t mean you have to win,,,Life means living and letting people around you live. Just for one day, forget the politics, forget whoever stole your watch or beat you in the race..and you might just make a deal with that greater good you are so fond of.

In a wide open space, I am standing..

Can you change the world?? Well, do you have what it takes to change the world..I guess we all come to this world with a piece of destiny in our hands and its up to us on how we want to use it. I have always been inspired by those who had gone against all odds to change what the world think of them or rather what the world think of itself. People like Coco Chanel and Nelson Mandela had been perfect examples of those who had written their own destiny..brought a revolution that changed the world. Sure, there is a script written for you somewhere up there but the mystery of it is what makes your life exciting and that’s what makes you the ‘boss’…You don’t take a train because you are meant to, you take the train because you want to.. & that’s the difference between those who want to change their life and those who think of changing their life. End of the day it all comes to a point where you ask yourself …’Are you passionate enough to do what you are doing? Or as Black Eyed Peas would put it ‘where is the LOVE?’’
Sometimes I do come to certain phases of life when I feel that I don’t have a choice but be stuck in the long train. But that doesn’t keep me from trying to get out of it or trying to sing along my way to make the journey pleasant. And most of the time I have done what I wanted rather that what I am meant to be. Some people call me a stupid risk taker... Am I stupid? Maybe..but I am also someone who seeks passion. Once the passion dies, you life becomes a meaningless routine tasks. I am sure the decisions I have made would not make sense to anyone who calculated it as a weather forecast..for sure, they would see it as heavy showers..or if I had done a SWOT analysis before I made these choices the Weakness and Threats would outlive the Strengths and Opportunities. Sometimes I have decided things for all wrong reasons such as to run away from something that depressed me. I mean look at me right now, no job, no money..and I have been through this road several times which is why I can say that what the weather forecast predicts is the heavy shower for the next few days and what it doesn’t tell you is the sunshine that follows…I am not hoping to win a lottery .. I am only trying to seek passion.
Sometimes things doesn’t work out the way you want or what you want to do is not what you are meant to do..Think about it, if you have a life of 70 years out of which you are able to live only 40 years the way you want to would you spend it on the routine tasks or seeking what you are passionate about. All those people who had made a difference in this world have gone through hell to reach their dreams. It’s not an easy thing to go against all the odds, rebel against those who give you perfect advice that is practical and take a leap when people call you stupid. And just say, half of the time it works and half of the time you are in the pit. And those who thinks I am stupid I would say ‘my friends, my life doesn’t limit itself to forecasts and opportunities or to the book of practicality..my life is about living, happiness and knowing that I have a choice..I can choose my destiny and my passion.’
I cannot compare myself to those who had changed the world.. I can get inspired by them…and they had succeeded when all the odds were against them..and who knows? Maybe one day I can win that date with destiny!!
Coco Chanel once said “How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.”

You are nothing but a picture on the wall!!

My success had always been believing in myself..i am like this person who would scream on top of my voice that "I believe I can fly" although I would feel my world going in circles if I tried flying. Thats me!! The believer!!

For the longest time of my life I believed my life was my work. From the time when I was eighteen I had worked to achieve what I wanted. My triumph had not been the awards I have won or the pat in the back when I have completed the "impossible" as my superior said. It was the day when I knew I could pay for my ALevel exams from the money I made by teaching. That was the day, when I believed that in life all you need to do is try. One of my closest friends had told me the day I quit my job that "nothing comes for free" and believe me I have learnt it the hard way at the age of eighteen. It was never free!!

I have fallen so many times and crawled to the top..holding on to my belief. I have tasted the days of glamour, shared my moments with the wonderful people and have experience a world full of glitter that i got lost in. Yes..work was my life until I found out it was only a picture that hung on the wall. And the most beautiful picture you can ever imagine as all these years I just stood there hypnotized by its glamour...just staring at the picture.

And when I took out the picture with my hands shaking and consumed with fear, instead of an empty wall I saw options..choices..opportunities..Saw my home, my bubble in a whole different perspective. I could easily color the wall, furnish it or break it. All these days I ignored the wall and just concentrated on the picture!!

And now I am sitting in front of the wall..watching it..planning..dreaming..and frustrated that all the choices, options depends on one piece of paper in the hand of the Bank. Frustrated that if the Bank decides to flash us with denial of the loan I might need to place the picture on the wall..How I wish I would never have to do that again? How I wish I get to color this wall..with our dreams. How I wish I could fly away and get our "condition" solved in a better place..How I wish..

My life is not limited to the picture anymore...My life is where my home is...where our hope for kids are..My life is at the moment waiting and wishing..

Show me a garden that will burst into life..and fascinate me!!

I am trying to cut free from my desires and what had been my identity for the longest time. And as I sipped my coffee last night, analysing every move I need to make, he made this one comment that described me perfectly. "You want the world to fascinate you". Its amazing how at times Navin could read my mind..its like he knows me more than I know myself..I sighed and answered "Yes!"

I have lived in my own wonderland for my whole life. I need my miracle people, my super heroes and even the damsel in distress to revolve around me. It doesnt define me as some one who neglect reality..I simply make reality my dreamland. How many times have we analysed people and asked ourselves is this going to me my ally or someone i need to keep my distance from me. I had always been fascinated by people I meet..I try to work out in my mind, this beautiful stories that would make them who they are. There were so many times when I would analyse my class mates on my first day and put myself in their shoes and act like them infront of them. I can easily be the serious one and the one that dazzles the place. Its the way I am..i can turn from a butterfly to a moth..or from the rainbow to the rain..

Well, mostly those whom I am fascinated with are those I cannot define..those of them who wear too many shoes or have these bricks built around them to hide themselves from the world..and no matter how hard I try I can never read through them. Maybe what fascinated me to Navin was the fact that I cannot read through him..every day is a mystery..a beautiful sketch I needed to paint. And I am fascinated by his patience, by the sense of security that he covers me in and the blissful calm that he breathes in. And last night as I walked in the moonlight with him i felt contended. My wonderland can still go on..my fascination can still live on..cos no matter how many mistakes I make or journeys I take..Navin will be my fascinating miracle person who would heal me everytime I bruise.

Sunshine through my window - thats what you are!!

I have been inspired by Phillip Tolerado and his website about his dad - http://www.dayswithmyfather.com It made me cry and smile at the same time. I have often wondered how our lives would be if our dad was alive..would we sit down next to him during dinner and enjoy his stories..would he still be bringing us the sweets on every first day of the month when he gets his salary..would he still be having his passion fruit garden..or his crazy "medicine experiments"? I have faint memories of him taking me to this tiny icecream shop infront of my school and that was actually my very first ice cream..I was seven then.

To be honest, we have never really known our dad..Our strength has always been my mom. I have watched my mom too many times, feeding my sick dad, crying next to his bedside, working in different houses to get money so we can have a good education. My mom is my "Mother Teresa"..The strong bond my sisters and I have is because of my mom. Of how she taught us to take care of eachother..to love unconditionally..to grieve openly..to protect one another no matter what and to stick together. For us family had always come first. I have seen how protective my brother could get when it comes to his sisters and its his funny way of showing how much he loves us. I have seen my sisters cry over my little mistakes or triumph over eachothers successes..

Life has taken all of us through hell and we survived - because of my mom. Today I salute Phillip Tolerado and all of his kind for showing us that there are people still in this world who lives for their parents. I hear too many times of old people living on streets because their children doesnt have a place for them at their house. The men and women who gave up their lives, their dreams, who cried over the tiny bruises of their kids, who celebrated the first steps of their kids, who stood up and cheered for their kids in their every step from then onwards..are left out to suffer on their last days. Shame on these people who left their parents when they need a shoulder to hold on to...

I know any one of my sisters and brother would jump off a cliff to make my mom's day ..and this blog I dedicate to my sweet rainbows (The Sandy Family) and my sunshine my mom for making me who I am today!

Here I am..Spilling coffee on my prada dress..

So here I am..my last few days of work and checking out the emails that inspired me, frustrated me, made me laugh, sometimes brought a tear to my eyes..

here i am wishing, and thinking "I dont want this feeling to go away.."

Here I am..an old women who lost her walking crane, making my way through the darkness. Did I just step into a dump..did i just avoid the running train. And as I cross the dark bridge and face the light...I hear the faint sound of thunder, see the clouds covering the sun..and RAIN!!

Here I am standing..in the rain, cold, confused and waiting for one of them to cover me, and take me home! Wondering..should I stand here and get all soaked or jump off the 10,000 feet cliff to see if I survive.

Lifes an irony ..all these days I played safe, avoiding the monsters and just when I get out of the dark room and face the light or whatever it is that hides behind the walls..I see darkness and feel the walls covering me up like a mother putting her child to bed.

Here I am still ..standing in the rain.. all I hear is a cricket singing its lullaby, feel the angry wind brushing through my skin..& here I am waiting for my train to take me home. Take me home...

Feeling good dont ever cost a thing..

Yesterday I watched a red light turn green..yeah its normal for all those billion of people living around the world but for me ..its just a sign of me slowing down. I had an ongoing war with traffic lights. Me..and the red light glared at eachother for years. I would dash off regardless of the honking, the cursing of pedestrials, the angry look of all the traffic lights cos i always need to be on time. I have been dashing off to office, to meetings, to coffees, from lunch and back...and to kill all the cursing i always had my ipod on.

And yesterday as I felt the red light glare at me, probably it recognised the rebel and dared me..and while Nelly Futardo screamed " i am like a bird.." I breathed, and waved the white flag. I am sure I heard a sigh of relief as the red turned to green. The world stopped..the motorbikes, the cars and as Nelly Futardo sang I crossed the road. I felt like a queen for whom the world bowed, while she crossed the bridge. As my world slowed down and I lost my first battle to the street lights..I felt like royalty.

Yes, Nelly Futardo ...Im like a bird, Ill fly away..but not today! Today I slow down..and breathe!