You are my ray of sunshine

Life is weird and most of the time I am not really sure about what I want from life. Life is never something I wanted to define ..all I wanted to do was live the moment.

But then you happened to me like a rainbow that colored the sky. Its like all my life I have been waiting for this moment to come. This tiny hope to lighted up my world. Nothing else matters anymore.. And all I do now is wait and hope..its never the moment that matters to me now, but the beauty of what is to come to my life.

Yes you my love, is the light that spread in to my life in the darkest moment. I haven’t seen you yet, but your thought is what completes me now!

Some people come into our lives and changes it completely. Some just pass by and gives us the wisdom of a life time. Some people leave their foot prints in our hearts. You haven’t yet been born but you have become part of me.

You are my ray of sunshine..

What doesn't kill you?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

I grew up believing in fairies, the fact that if something wouldn’t kill me it will just turn me into wonder woman. I grew up searching for the shooting star and wishing upon it every time I had a glimpse of it. I grew up thinking that if I was patient and tried hard, life would open doors for me that would be the answers to my dreams. And here I am today..wondering, thinking, struggling and exhausted!!

Through all these years of holding on to myself, life has taught me that there is no happily ever after..its a continuous struggle to be happy..a continuous search of war between what you want and what you are “expected” to do. And in the struggle of making others happy and keeping yourself happy, you just stop seeking for that happily ever after. Your life ends up being a compromise and you forget about what you wished for, when you glanced at that shooting star and held your breath. All your life becomes is what was expected out of you..your dreams are someone else…Happiness is a compromise isn’t it?

What doesn’t kill you only ends up breaking you. What doesn’t kill you ends up stealing that so called happiness you have searched for. What doesn’t kill you stops you from seeking yourself, building your dreams, living your life..in the end, what doesn’t kill you just takes away everything that you had once thought was only yours!
People around me look at me and ask me “what else do you want?” for all those ones, you don’t live my life..you don’t see my struggle …

You only see the shell that I wear and the smile that hides my pain. You only see me the way I want you to see me!

What doesn’t kill you…just breaks you!!

Fate, Me and Hope!

I stand here, today..breathing in the new changes. Fate has a funny way of returning me to the same path I have lead years ago. Is it my friend, a companion or just a mirror of what I am supposed to me?

And I start walking again, hand in hand with fate.. stepping on each of the footprints I have made too many years back. I have given up my fight with fate..there is no winning..there is no fighting..there is this silence between us..maybe, a comfort that maybe this time its going to lead me to a better place.

And as I walk stepping on each of the footstep, that was laid in front of me I feel like a stranger. Emotions of different colors seep into my skin. Some had the familiar scent of warmth, some felt like moments long forgotten and others..well..are total strangers yet to be discovered.

And here i was walking this familiar yet unknown road trying to absorb every color that came my way.

No matter how far I go, how many colors I absorb, how many emotions I fight, How many familiar steps I take..arent there always in each journey we take..a cloud of darkness and a rainbow of hope casting its shadow..an unspoken desire..forgotten dream..

But then again, what are we without the uncertainties..what will become of us if we dont walk through the harsh winds...Dont they say that every cloud has a silver lining! Maybe, just maybe i am walking on the clouds with the silver lining, just few steps away from me..and again, what are we without hope?

One drop of hope isnt that all we need to keep walking? I had to fall I know, to have the desire to get up, walk or fly away. Hope..yes sweet taste of hope!! And then again, havent I always been in between hope and fate..Perhaps I am never complete without both of them. Perhaps I need somethings unsolved, some mysteries to myself and some things to keep me flying..or walking! If I had known, would I have found happiness in the most bizzare ways, would I have found out that being content and happy is not the same thing..would there be any meaning of, well ..life!

And here we are again..me and my fate, walking hand in hand..in a journey that I gave up on, just minutes before the destination.

Maldives as it was!

In my own boredom and effort to murder time, I started reading about the culture and history of Maldives. What can I say? Maybe, my fascination towards what lies before my time isn’t just a thought that lingers in my mind. I am somewhat disappointed by how less material there is about the history of the Maldives. Whatever cruelty was done before my time was very cleverly limited or completely replaced by the stories of how beautiful life had been then. In fact, the whole way Rannamari story has been altered humors me.

So, in my very effort to gather what little is written on the internet about us here is what mostly humored or awed me to some extend. Beauty it seems at that time, was something that most men cared about. Infact the women made sure there men’s skin was radiant, fair and lovely. Im sure at that time if there were ads about beauty product it would be all-mens or some what dominated by men. Apparently as per Ibn Batuta, there is a custom where every woman goes to her husband or to her son with a collyrium case and with rosewater and ghalia oil (composed of musk and ambegris) after the'performance of the morning prayer. And he applies the collyrium to both of his eyes, and annoints himself with rosewater and the ghalia-oil. As a result, his skin takes on a polished appearance and ghastliness disappears from his face. Oh the pretty men of those times!!!

Some of the customs does fascinate me. I am sure all of my men friends who read this would be tempted to atleast spend couple of days of their lives at “that” time as the men at that time were treated like somewhat “royalties” back then. Although I do know, most of the men friends I know wouldn’t really survive even a day without their apples, iphones and googles. Now adays weddings and marriages would be all about honeymoons and amount of money we would spend on that dream wedding dress and the cake etc etc. Back then, when the man goes to house of his wife after their wedding, she spreads linen cloth in his honor from the roof of her house to the wedding chamber and along the cloth she places handfuls of cowries to the right as well as to the left of his path up to the wedding chamber. When he comes to her, she throws an article of clothing at his feet which is picked up by his servants. Talk about royalty!! And the amount of cloth women would spend on their weddings. If there was more than 10 weddings the whole roads in Male’ will be paved with cloth wont it?
The dress of the women!!! As Ibn Batuta writes the women went topless..yeup that was how it was! They did not cover their heads and combed their hair to one direction. Most of them wear only a waist wrapper, which covers them from their waist to the lowest part, but the remainder of their body remained uncovered. The female ornaments consist of arm-rings; a certain number of which a woman wears on both forearms in such a manner that the space between the wrist and elbow is covered completely. The rings are of silver and the gold rings are only worn by the wives of sultan and his relatives. There were also ankle-rings called baail and gold necklaces coming down to their breasts called basdarad.

I was quite delighted to find out that the women were quite self sufficient and worked to support themselves. They do work at home at a rate of five dinars or less, getting their keep free from their employees. The main work of the girls are spinning of coconut fiber.

You shall not see what we eat!!! That were the women back then. Although I love and almost all of my friends loves dining with their husbands or with group of friends at our small coffee hangouts, one of the customs back then is that women never dines with their husbands. Strange but true! In fact, the men would never be able to see them eat. The men needs to come home at meal times as the women back then doesn’t entrust anybody else to serve their husbands. She herself, brings him good and takes away the plate, washes his hands and brings him water for ablution and massages his feet when he goes to bed.

So that’s my historical rambling for the day! Ain't I glad I was born at a time when I can simply go out have a coffee with my friends, have dinner with my husband and yes he can see what I eat and just simply apply my treasured body shop foot lotion on MY feet before I go to bed. And yeup thank god for the dress and the shoes, I get to buy.

Putting my arms around a prayer!!

Once again, I am inspired to write..about me..about my "transit" moment as I call it. I know its not just me going through all this and what inspired me to write this morning is one of those women who went through the same. I hope one day, someone in the same journey as I am would read this and get some light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, even a beam of light matters for now! It lifts me up..specially after the way I cheated on the eggs that lay faraway in some laboratory waiting for me to come back. Today was one of those days when I got tempted to take another pregnancy test which as usual was negative. And being the person, in the dream land, I even made my sisters wish me luck for something that as doctors said is "impossible". And here I am disappointed once again, at the whole situation..at the whole humor in all of this..

I guess I am just one of those millions who feels like a passenger in a train that keeps moving yet taking the same roads, seeing the same field, the same rivers and even the same little birds that chirps the most wonderful songs you can hear. But sometimes, you need to get off the train, go to a beach instead and feel the waves kissing your feet. Sometimes, you need to swim with the dolphins and hear the music of the sea..sometimes, you just need a different life, no matter how beautiful everything around you is. I am blessed I know with wonderful families both mine and Navins..great friend that helps me even if they dont know it..with their crazy and funny talks in our constant coffee sessions. And yet, I know my life would always feel empty. And then I wait, for the train to pass the same field and admire the same birds...

I remember those days when my life was too occupied to even think about the scenery around me. I miss those mornings when I would drink the coffee in one gulp and run off to catch the ferry, the fascination on others eyes when I put out the show, the deadlines and my love-hate relationship with the emails. I guess that was the moments i felt alive most. Is it better to ignore the scenery and create your own illusions as I did before or sit and explore every drop of color, every bit of wind, every sound that makes your world a reality, as I am doing now! Giving up my hectic life which was part of who I am today was never easy and was neither an option for me. It was something I had to do, for a better tomorrow for me and Navin.

There are many times now adays when I feel that my life could be a marriage to number of medications and broken dreams but then again I picture the glitter in Navin's eyes and the smile of a proud father when finally I get to tell him he is going to be a dad. Most of the times, thats what gets me going and the other times its just because I am too much of an optimist to give this all up!

So for all those people on the same train as me, you are not alone! This was the moment when I almost collapsed and decided to write and with each letter I am draining out the emotions that holds me back and breaks me down. I hope you find something to hold on to..a reason to fight for!! I hope this would inspire as one of those million woman had given me hope.

and the world awaits..!!

I woke up today inspired to write..something I havent done in a long time..so what do I write about..my life, my world or just the routine of the continuous raving I go on and on about every day. Being away from the rush and finally away from the busy lifestyle I have adapted to ahs made me well..slow down and forced me to look around me. Last night I explored the people near my place listening to someone filled with anger and disgust for whats going on around him. Despite my effort to drown his voices with the loud music from my ipod I cannot help but hear him for the 5 minutes I crossed the whole "gathering". People were just sitting there and listening. How can you listen to all those angry words thats creating such a negative vibe around you? And the previous night it was the same surrounding but had different type of people...there was music bands spreading their music around you and the whole place was packed with youngsters enjoying the beats and breathe the positivness around them. Same place, same time, different nights, different vibe. With all the running around and jumping on and off ferries I have indeed missed the whole transformation. For the last 5-6 years my job had required me to miss the whole scene and today as I chose to settle down I am caught between how much Male' has changed in these small time. Did the politics bring us to stand between anger and content? or has anger become some sort of necessity that you need to take in to live in the society? Do you need to be in a certain side to belong? Early days its just been trying to live your life and dealing with what life puts in front of you. You go to work, hang out with your friends, come home and be with your loved ones.. it was easy and slow. But then again, this is what my world has shown me and I might have "missed out" what had brought in whats going around in anyone else's world. I have been always called the ignorant one anyway..

So, here I am trying to absorb what everyone around me has adapted themselves to.

Little You, Little Me, Little Boxes of Mine

This time life came to me as a breathe of air that consumed my world and lifted me to the sky only to find that I was this close to drown in the clouds. So as fast as it lifted me, I am very much trying to come down and wrap myself with the same sense of familiarity that comforted me. And in my short journey to the sky, I have met so many personalities that kind of transformed me for a while. But, I am what I am..by end of the day I always become what I am.

And as bad as it would sound I do put every person I meet in different boxes called “leagues”. There are people who are in the same box as I am and some of them so far away that I would not want to cross that path ever again. I feel comfortable with those, now who would not close themselves with one thought, and make you feel that yes things in this life does make sense. Paths you take are not as tangled as it seems. Its just a matter of looking at it from a different perspective. Your mind is as open as the world and yes sometimes its ok to live in an illusion as long as you don’t let it take over you.

I have met so many of those whose life is wrapped in their own belief that they go blind to whatever the world is about. But then again, the worst of them are when they believe in something but feel something else. If your belief is that strong why would you feel anything else apart from what your mind is designed to ..well..believe. These people also tell you something else although they act in such a different way that you cannot figure them out. Do they live in a lie created by themselves or do they create a wall around them that has written either deception or confusion around it. And by doing this, they don’t only neglect what life is about but also hurt so many people around them. Whats the use of a belief if you cant properly follow it. In a world that is so open and free, and is all about appreciating the beauty around you aren’t you “supposed” to live it and let live. Sometimes, I do get fascinated by this “league” of people and for a while I tried to fit myself in this box only to find myself more confused and longing to a bit of fresh air. The confusion in their eyes, the misery of them being stuck in a world that they perhaps thought they believe in and a belief that to some extend doesn’t make sense made me feel trapped. There are too many supposed to be, have to do and cannot do in their world. No, I could never be in that league although it fascinates me to what extend they can actually hold on to a lie they have created by themselves. I am so out of that league and yet again back in my own league of box and ready to move on..it took me a while but I am glad to be back!

And then there are those, who feels that the world revolves around them. I looked at them from a distance and felt their pain. They strive to fit in but disapprove of every thing that happens around them. If you do choose to live in a society you got to respect what the society is about. You cannot split the world to good and evil. There is no evil or good..there is the way of how you look at them. You cannot judge anyone unless you have lived their life. What makes a person is not only the family they are born to but also the pain they have suffered, the happiness they have consumed, the love that had fulfilled them or the injustice that had broken them. The lifestyle doesn’t choose you ..You choose them based on what your life has given you. And who has the right to tell you if you are on the right path or not, if you didn’t hold their hands and walked every single step with them. Living in a closed world of your own is the worst. No, you don’t need to live others lifestyle you just need to respect it!

The worst of all are the ones that looks down on every person around you, divides them into colors, countries, societies and still live among them. I have no words for these ones as I don’t think they deserve to be among such beautiful souls and should be locked in a place with their own “league”. Their mockery towards people just because they don’t share the same culture disgusts me.

And here I am, today wrapping all these up..and ready to make a move. It was indeed an adventure but as Alice In wonderland felt the need to leave the fantasy world and face reality, I feel the need to go back to where I will find my comfort. Don’t get me wrong..the fantasy world I lived in fascinated me and made me a better person. I could now see the world better. I am out of the glamour world I was once trapped in and ready to settle down. I am not on the move but yet I feel that there is a whole world, opening its arm to me and waiting for me. So adios lovely people..let me just live a little while in your world and I hope I had touched your hearts the way you all had touched mine.

It doesn’t matter any more to me what road I take..I am just ready for the thrill of what surprises I will meet on my way

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

My way of expressing fashion illustration

Life comes to you in different phases. You just need to welcome the flood and the rainbows. You need to create your passion and drive your imagination. My passion has been too many things over these years..it had built me, broke me and at times consoled me. Right now, I am obsessed with learning a new chapter of my passion for painting…”Fashion Illustration” try it out, it fascinating and all about creating your own style. And here they are..my paintings – my consolation through bad times, my way of letting my imagination run wild, my thrive to grow my passion and fascinate myself each day!!

The Bubble Girl

Yes..I am her! The bubble girl..floating, flying, sliding, living in a bubble world..Yes I am her! The raindrop on a sunny day..the cloud next to the rainbow..the wave kissing the beach..I am her! Exploring the unknown world..but dont they say..the simplest things in life is the most extraordinary. And here I am and here she is..on a journey to discover the simple things in life.

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Moving away from the fears..The bitternes..the strange feelings ..cos these feelings are like a firefly and I am too bright for it..And in the depth of its eyes..i saw her drowning!

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Trying to be happy for no reason..trying to capture the world in my arms. Cos i feel that maybe right at this moment, the universe is on my side. And i just want to move along with it.

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Swirling and dancing to the rhytm of life. Releasing the dreams..embracing the desires. Waiting for the miracle. Not following the "plan"..Breathing life into me..

Yes I am her! The bubble girl! Soaking in joy..And now that I have nothing to lose, I am finally free!

Just a moment...

And here I am again..on top of the mountain searching for a way to the field below..to taste the water from the lake..to breathe in the fresh air..I wrap my arms around me..the freezing cold is going to slowly take my life away. A moment..thats what I have..A moment with the cold, the mountain and the scenery beneath my feet..

Isnt our lives all about the moment. The journey we have never taken, the incomplete love, the regrets, the pain, the smiles..life, an endless whirlwind of emotions..constantly changing you, transforming you..

Dont you ever think that maybe we do have those wings that we always dreamt about. We just dont have a clue of the destination it will take us. We are as humans constantly flying from the mountain to the lake, to the stream where we stop by to take the forbidden bath and back to the mountain where we freeze and consume the angry cold wind. I have been here..too many times..to the top of the mountain..and it had looked so beautiful from a distance. What glitters indeed is not gold..

And then again..would I miss the cold when sunshines kisses my skin..would I find the sun to warm to survive, would I find the air to fresh to breathe..why do we keep on covering ourselves with the same blanket of comfortness. Do I have to leap before I know its too deep..where are the hidden wings when you need to fly away..

We do live in constant fear of losing what we have come to love..the shell that we are comfortable in crawling into..yes..we are independant, we are free yet each one of us crawl into our shells at time of darkness and despair. The shell that warms us up, gives that illusion that maybe this is where we belong. And we begin to live in that..ahhh..moment!! just a moment, thats all there is...

Mix it up until there are no Pedigrees

I kept staring at the ceiling ..black paints..and then my eyes shift to the wall..green!! And they matched perfectly fine! This is how its meant to be..mixing together..evolving together..loving together..regardless of which color you are!

Its a pity at times you are told that you are treated a certain way cos of what color you are or which country you are from. World can be cruel at times. World can be a can of bull shit mixed with their complicated issues that doesnt make sense. I can never be someone like Nelson Mandela who will fight for a stronger good. Call me a coward..call me an ignorant goose..and i wont be able to say anything back cos I know I could never have guts to fight back..

And today I am thrown in to the side where I am supposed to judge others because I am not their league. and i refuse to do so. I might not fight for you but I stand in this line where I refuse to look down on someone just because they are not part of this twisted society we live in.

And i salute you..for leaving your family to work for this place cos the so called country men find a certain job too low for themselves. I salute you the guy placing stones on the pavement so there wont be flooded roads like it used to be. I salute you the garbage man because now its not part of our daily routine work to go and throw away garbage like our parents used to do. I salute you the pool guy who carries the dirty towels and the cleaner who leaves my room spotless. I salute all of you who left their family.. who are the real fighters..who makes our daily life easy. I salute you all who are working for a better economy for my country although its your personal interests that keeps you here

And then we complain..why arent we in a certain position. Have you ever tried to work your way up? Go one step ahead..have you ever thought why you are where you are today?

And have you ever thought while we are trying so hard to blame others the world is moving on and we need to walk with the world. Have you ever looked around you ...the brands, the fashion, the growth..arent we still stuck in our own little fairy tale world..and we say we deserve this? Just think. Act.

Yes!! We are all here. and its time to work together. To think beyond colors and nationalities. Think. Act.

a kiss from my reality!!

A knock on my door "Let me in" you asked me

I ignore your request for I am a bird..flying through the clouds..spreading my wings and exploring the world..

A scratch on my door "Let me in" you plead

I ignore your craving for I am the rainbow..coloring the sky..kissing the world...making love to the wind..

A slight whisper through the door "Let me in" you growl

I ignore your anger for I am a fish..diving through the turquoise sea..dancing with the dolphins..racing through the sea

A touch on the doorknob and I shiver .."Let me in" you cry through the door

I cant ..i whisper back..for I am the rain..touching the ground...caressing the wind

And there you were..ignoring me..my excuses..flashing into my world...forcing me down from the sky..cutting my wings..taking away my colors...draggin me out of the water..

"Open your eyes"..you scream.."for I am your reality..I am your world..I am your destiny..hold my hand..lets go home"

And as i slowly wake up..there you were..my reality..looking into me..taking me away from illusion ..walking towards my world of happiness, pain..to a world away from the fantasy..and guess what..it aint that bad!!!!

To the top and back again...

Snakes and ladders ..isnt that life is all about? Climbing up the stairs and be gobbled by the snakes. At so many points in our lives we wonder if it was the snake that swallowed you or was it the ladder you climbed? And then you wonder again...if you are stuck in the middle of the ladder and just stayed there for a while.

Dont you think we have been misguided to either be a winner or a loser? Cant we just stop grading ourselves for a minute? The snakes, the ladders, the trophies, the thumbs up..arent these all a mere obstacle in the way of your happiness. As a child we have been graded at different levels..Levels? Another title to strive for...? This is not me, trying to win a treaty for human rights..This is me, trying to make sense of my mere feeling of stopping to split my life in different dimension of success. Trying to grab that one moment of content I am feeling

And as I denied to climb the ladder I felt content. Maybe I am in the middle of being gobbled by the snake..or finding my way down to where I started. Does my life have to be numbered in different levels..Do i need to climb to 100 to find bliss. Maybe I am happy at number 51..Maybe i am in the world of streams running down the mountains, daffodils and butterflies..for I am content where ever I am.

I see the ladder and a slight voice asking me to find the so called 'success'. Sometimes in life success is finding your own destiny. Finding a place away from chaos. Finding yourself! And as I stop grading my self and running the race of ladders and snakes..i feel content. Happiness is still a long way to go but atleast in this world of hopes, dreams and despair I have found content.

You know there is always something you need to know..what if I crossed the road, what if I played hard to get, what if I reached the end of the road, what if I moved on...but end of a long day when you retire to your bed. You ask yourself what if i just stopped and breathed. I am not moving on, I know! I am not even justifying why I denied the fact to move on or why I am disappointing everyone by not taking the leap..Sometimes you got to think beyond that..beyond the disappointments you create, beyond the success and failure..cos all you got end of the day is YOU. And all that should matter is after you have given all that you have got to others, you got to pick up every bit of those pieces left of you and build that place of content for yourself. And today as opportunity knocked on my door I picked up whatever was left of me and decided to flee from the world of ladders..the world of success..the world of titles. Today I am me...content..

There is a looong road ahead and Im deciding to stay!!

The world with no ceiling...

Are you unmanned by the dark or awed by the light that surrounds you? I know I am, everytime I take a ride with either of those. And at the times when hope does seem faint or the destination seems like an unrealistic dream I reach out for something or someone that can guide me back home. We all do!! It doesn’t mean we need to believe in a mighty good or if someone is looking down on us guiding us through..we just reach out because humans are dependant…on our needs, our dreams and more importantly our desire to survive.
I have so many times rebelled against those who have told me everything happens for a greater good. I don’t believe that. Things just happen ..maybe there is a reason for it to but there might not be any good or evil attached to it. If you really think about what you hear around you..about the homeless person who rushes into a garbage bag before dawn, a child left by the parents for selfish reasons, a parent abandoned by the kids, people killing their own to fulfill an unreasonable justification, a mom weeping for her dead child…if you really think, would you believe all this lead to a better tomorrow. I used to live in a neighbourhood who minded their own business, who respected eachother’s privacy and whenever we were in a bad situation you find the neighbours at your doorstep. Today, just steps before I enter my house I have seen crowds gathered in my neighbourhood fighting because they believed in a different policy or hear filthy music blasting from next door about some politician. Would I believe that politics knocked on this country’s door for a greater good. My neighbourhood has been split to different political parties and I have heard 13 year olds spilling blood for these reason. Should a 13 year old who is supposed to be enjoying the latest rock band collection or finding the latest playsstation games the most fascinating thing in the world , care about a political argument going on..And then we close our eyes and say everything happens for the best!! Ironic world!
I have painted happiness and misery in one picture too many times. And I write when I am inspired. Where there is darkness there is light..that is so true!! I am inspired by a movie of a homeless man with extraordinary talent , and unfortunately with a situation called schizophrenia who found a friend, who was saved by a friend. The movie tells you about how in a world of such selfishness has a greater power of kindness that can still save people. I believe each one of us has this kindness inside us..but it depends on how we put it into use. Just see around you..observe…breathe in once in a while..maybe you can unveil that kindness you have forgotten. Things doesn’t happen so that the greater good can enter your doorstep ..Things happen and its up to you on how you can bring that greater good to your doorstep and spread it around! Life doesn’t mean you have to win,,,Life means living and letting people around you live. Just for one day, forget the politics, forget whoever stole your watch or beat you in the race..and you might just make a deal with that greater good you are so fond of.

In a wide open space, I am standing..

Can you change the world?? Well, do you have what it takes to change the world..I guess we all come to this world with a piece of destiny in our hands and its up to us on how we want to use it. I have always been inspired by those who had gone against all odds to change what the world think of them or rather what the world think of itself. People like Coco Chanel and Nelson Mandela had been perfect examples of those who had written their own destiny..brought a revolution that changed the world. Sure, there is a script written for you somewhere up there but the mystery of it is what makes your life exciting and that’s what makes you the ‘boss’…You don’t take a train because you are meant to, you take the train because you want to.. & that’s the difference between those who want to change their life and those who think of changing their life. End of the day it all comes to a point where you ask yourself …’Are you passionate enough to do what you are doing? Or as Black Eyed Peas would put it ‘where is the LOVE?’’
Sometimes I do come to certain phases of life when I feel that I don’t have a choice but be stuck in the long train. But that doesn’t keep me from trying to get out of it or trying to sing along my way to make the journey pleasant. And most of the time I have done what I wanted rather that what I am meant to be. Some people call me a stupid risk taker... Am I stupid? Maybe..but I am also someone who seeks passion. Once the passion dies, you life becomes a meaningless routine tasks. I am sure the decisions I have made would not make sense to anyone who calculated it as a weather forecast..for sure, they would see it as heavy showers..or if I had done a SWOT analysis before I made these choices the Weakness and Threats would outlive the Strengths and Opportunities. Sometimes I have decided things for all wrong reasons such as to run away from something that depressed me. I mean look at me right now, no job, no money..and I have been through this road several times which is why I can say that what the weather forecast predicts is the heavy shower for the next few days and what it doesn’t tell you is the sunshine that follows…I am not hoping to win a lottery .. I am only trying to seek passion.
Sometimes things doesn’t work out the way you want or what you want to do is not what you are meant to do..Think about it, if you have a life of 70 years out of which you are able to live only 40 years the way you want to would you spend it on the routine tasks or seeking what you are passionate about. All those people who had made a difference in this world have gone through hell to reach their dreams. It’s not an easy thing to go against all the odds, rebel against those who give you perfect advice that is practical and take a leap when people call you stupid. And just say, half of the time it works and half of the time you are in the pit. And those who thinks I am stupid I would say ‘my friends, my life doesn’t limit itself to forecasts and opportunities or to the book of practicality..my life is about living, happiness and knowing that I have a choice..I can choose my destiny and my passion.’
I cannot compare myself to those who had changed the world.. I can get inspired by them…and they had succeeded when all the odds were against them..and who knows? Maybe one day I can win that date with destiny!!
Coco Chanel once said “How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.”

You are nothing but a picture on the wall!!

My success had always been believing in myself..i am like this person who would scream on top of my voice that "I believe I can fly" although I would feel my world going in circles if I tried flying. Thats me!! The believer!!

For the longest time of my life I believed my life was my work. From the time when I was eighteen I had worked to achieve what I wanted. My triumph had not been the awards I have won or the pat in the back when I have completed the "impossible" as my superior said. It was the day when I knew I could pay for my ALevel exams from the money I made by teaching. That was the day, when I believed that in life all you need to do is try. One of my closest friends had told me the day I quit my job that "nothing comes for free" and believe me I have learnt it the hard way at the age of eighteen. It was never free!!

I have fallen so many times and crawled to the top..holding on to my belief. I have tasted the days of glamour, shared my moments with the wonderful people and have experience a world full of glitter that i got lost in. Yes..work was my life until I found out it was only a picture that hung on the wall. And the most beautiful picture you can ever imagine as all these years I just stood there hypnotized by its glamour...just staring at the picture.

And when I took out the picture with my hands shaking and consumed with fear, instead of an empty wall I saw options..choices..opportunities..Saw my home, my bubble in a whole different perspective. I could easily color the wall, furnish it or break it. All these days I ignored the wall and just concentrated on the picture!!

And now I am sitting in front of the wall..watching it..planning..dreaming..and frustrated that all the choices, options depends on one piece of paper in the hand of the Bank. Frustrated that if the Bank decides to flash us with denial of the loan I might need to place the picture on the wall..How I wish I would never have to do that again? How I wish I get to color this wall..with our dreams. How I wish I could fly away and get our "condition" solved in a better place..How I wish..

My life is not limited to the picture anymore...My life is where my home is...where our hope for kids are..My life is at the moment waiting and wishing..

Show me a garden that will burst into life..and fascinate me!!

I am trying to cut free from my desires and what had been my identity for the longest time. And as I sipped my coffee last night, analysing every move I need to make, he made this one comment that described me perfectly. "You want the world to fascinate you". Its amazing how at times Navin could read my mind..its like he knows me more than I know myself..I sighed and answered "Yes!"

I have lived in my own wonderland for my whole life. I need my miracle people, my super heroes and even the damsel in distress to revolve around me. It doesnt define me as some one who neglect reality..I simply make reality my dreamland. How many times have we analysed people and asked ourselves is this going to me my ally or someone i need to keep my distance from me. I had always been fascinated by people I meet..I try to work out in my mind, this beautiful stories that would make them who they are. There were so many times when I would analyse my class mates on my first day and put myself in their shoes and act like them infront of them. I can easily be the serious one and the one that dazzles the place. Its the way I am..i can turn from a butterfly to a moth..or from the rainbow to the rain..

Well, mostly those whom I am fascinated with are those I cannot define..those of them who wear too many shoes or have these bricks built around them to hide themselves from the world..and no matter how hard I try I can never read through them. Maybe what fascinated me to Navin was the fact that I cannot read through him..every day is a mystery..a beautiful sketch I needed to paint. And I am fascinated by his patience, by the sense of security that he covers me in and the blissful calm that he breathes in. And last night as I walked in the moonlight with him i felt contended. My wonderland can still go on..my fascination can still live on..cos no matter how many mistakes I make or journeys I take..Navin will be my fascinating miracle person who would heal me everytime I bruise.

Sunshine through my window - thats what you are!!

I have been inspired by Phillip Tolerado and his website about his dad - http://www.dayswithmyfather.com It made me cry and smile at the same time. I have often wondered how our lives would be if our dad was alive..would we sit down next to him during dinner and enjoy his stories..would he still be bringing us the sweets on every first day of the month when he gets his salary..would he still be having his passion fruit garden..or his crazy "medicine experiments"? I have faint memories of him taking me to this tiny icecream shop infront of my school and that was actually my very first ice cream..I was seven then.

To be honest, we have never really known our dad..Our strength has always been my mom. I have watched my mom too many times, feeding my sick dad, crying next to his bedside, working in different houses to get money so we can have a good education. My mom is my "Mother Teresa"..The strong bond my sisters and I have is because of my mom. Of how she taught us to take care of eachother..to love unconditionally..to grieve openly..to protect one another no matter what and to stick together. For us family had always come first. I have seen how protective my brother could get when it comes to his sisters and its his funny way of showing how much he loves us. I have seen my sisters cry over my little mistakes or triumph over eachothers successes..

Life has taken all of us through hell and we survived - because of my mom. Today I salute Phillip Tolerado and all of his kind for showing us that there are people still in this world who lives for their parents. I hear too many times of old people living on streets because their children doesnt have a place for them at their house. The men and women who gave up their lives, their dreams, who cried over the tiny bruises of their kids, who celebrated the first steps of their kids, who stood up and cheered for their kids in their every step from then onwards..are left out to suffer on their last days. Shame on these people who left their parents when they need a shoulder to hold on to...

I know any one of my sisters and brother would jump off a cliff to make my mom's day ..and this blog I dedicate to my sweet rainbows (The Sandy Family) and my sunshine my mom for making me who I am today!

Here I am..Spilling coffee on my prada dress..

So here I am..my last few days of work and checking out the emails that inspired me, frustrated me, made me laugh, sometimes brought a tear to my eyes..

here i am wishing, and thinking "I dont want this feeling to go away.."

Here I am..an old women who lost her walking crane, making my way through the darkness. Did I just step into a dump..did i just avoid the running train. And as I cross the dark bridge and face the light...I hear the faint sound of thunder, see the clouds covering the sun..and RAIN!!

Here I am standing..in the rain, cold, confused and waiting for one of them to cover me, and take me home! Wondering..should I stand here and get all soaked or jump off the 10,000 feet cliff to see if I survive.

Lifes an irony ..all these days I played safe, avoiding the monsters and just when I get out of the dark room and face the light or whatever it is that hides behind the walls..I see darkness and feel the walls covering me up like a mother putting her child to bed.

Here I am still ..standing in the rain.. all I hear is a cricket singing its lullaby, feel the angry wind brushing through my skin..& here I am waiting for my train to take me home. Take me home...

Feeling good dont ever cost a thing..

Yesterday I watched a red light turn green..yeah its normal for all those billion of people living around the world but for me ..its just a sign of me slowing down. I had an ongoing war with traffic lights. Me..and the red light glared at eachother for years. I would dash off regardless of the honking, the cursing of pedestrials, the angry look of all the traffic lights cos i always need to be on time. I have been dashing off to office, to meetings, to coffees, from lunch and back...and to kill all the cursing i always had my ipod on.

And yesterday as I felt the red light glare at me, probably it recognised the rebel and dared me..and while Nelly Futardo screamed " i am like a bird.." I breathed, and waved the white flag. I am sure I heard a sigh of relief as the red turned to green. The world stopped..the motorbikes, the cars and as Nelly Futardo sang I crossed the road. I felt like a queen for whom the world bowed, while she crossed the bridge. As my world slowed down and I lost my first battle to the street lights..I felt like royalty.

Yes, Nelly Futardo ...Im like a bird, Ill fly away..but not today! Today I slow down..and breathe!