You are my ray of sunshine

Life is weird and most of the time I am not really sure about what I want from life. Life is never something I wanted to define ..all I wanted to do was live the moment.

But then you happened to me like a rainbow that colored the sky. Its like all my life I have been waiting for this moment to come. This tiny hope to lighted up my world. Nothing else matters anymore.. And all I do now is wait and hope..its never the moment that matters to me now, but the beauty of what is to come to my life.

Yes you my love, is the light that spread in to my life in the darkest moment. I haven’t seen you yet, but your thought is what completes me now!

Some people come into our lives and changes it completely. Some just pass by and gives us the wisdom of a life time. Some people leave their foot prints in our hearts. You haven’t yet been born but you have become part of me.

You are my ray of sunshine..

What doesn't kill you?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

I grew up believing in fairies, the fact that if something wouldn’t kill me it will just turn me into wonder woman. I grew up searching for the shooting star and wishing upon it every time I had a glimpse of it. I grew up thinking that if I was patient and tried hard, life would open doors for me that would be the answers to my dreams. And here I am today..wondering, thinking, struggling and exhausted!!

Through all these years of holding on to myself, life has taught me that there is no happily ever after..its a continuous struggle to be happy..a continuous search of war between what you want and what you are “expected” to do. And in the struggle of making others happy and keeping yourself happy, you just stop seeking for that happily ever after. Your life ends up being a compromise and you forget about what you wished for, when you glanced at that shooting star and held your breath. All your life becomes is what was expected out of you..your dreams are someone else…Happiness is a compromise isn’t it?

What doesn’t kill you only ends up breaking you. What doesn’t kill you ends up stealing that so called happiness you have searched for. What doesn’t kill you stops you from seeking yourself, building your dreams, living your life..in the end, what doesn’t kill you just takes away everything that you had once thought was only yours!
People around me look at me and ask me “what else do you want?” for all those ones, you don’t live my life..you don’t see my struggle …

You only see the shell that I wear and the smile that hides my pain. You only see me the way I want you to see me!

What doesn’t kill you…just breaks you!!

Fate, Me and Hope!

I stand here, today..breathing in the new changes. Fate has a funny way of returning me to the same path I have lead years ago. Is it my friend, a companion or just a mirror of what I am supposed to me?

And I start walking again, hand in hand with fate.. stepping on each of the footprints I have made too many years back. I have given up my fight with fate..there is no winning..there is no fighting..there is this silence between us..maybe, a comfort that maybe this time its going to lead me to a better place.

And as I walk stepping on each of the footstep, that was laid in front of me I feel like a stranger. Emotions of different colors seep into my skin. Some had the familiar scent of warmth, some felt like moments long forgotten and others..well..are total strangers yet to be discovered.

And here i was walking this familiar yet unknown road trying to absorb every color that came my way.

No matter how far I go, how many colors I absorb, how many emotions I fight, How many familiar steps I take..arent there always in each journey we take..a cloud of darkness and a rainbow of hope casting its shadow..an unspoken desire..forgotten dream..

But then again, what are we without the uncertainties..what will become of us if we dont walk through the harsh winds...Dont they say that every cloud has a silver lining! Maybe, just maybe i am walking on the clouds with the silver lining, just few steps away from me..and again, what are we without hope?

One drop of hope isnt that all we need to keep walking? I had to fall I know, to have the desire to get up, walk or fly away. Hope..yes sweet taste of hope!! And then again, havent I always been in between hope and fate..Perhaps I am never complete without both of them. Perhaps I need somethings unsolved, some mysteries to myself and some things to keep me flying..or walking! If I had known, would I have found happiness in the most bizzare ways, would I have found out that being content and happy is not the same thing..would there be any meaning of, well ..life!

And here we are again..me and my fate, walking hand in hand..in a journey that I gave up on, just minutes before the destination.

Maldives as it was!

In my own boredom and effort to murder time, I started reading about the culture and history of Maldives. What can I say? Maybe, my fascination towards what lies before my time isn’t just a thought that lingers in my mind. I am somewhat disappointed by how less material there is about the history of the Maldives. Whatever cruelty was done before my time was very cleverly limited or completely replaced by the stories of how beautiful life had been then. In fact, the whole way Rannamari story has been altered humors me.

So, in my very effort to gather what little is written on the internet about us here is what mostly humored or awed me to some extend. Beauty it seems at that time, was something that most men cared about. Infact the women made sure there men’s skin was radiant, fair and lovely. Im sure at that time if there were ads about beauty product it would be all-mens or some what dominated by men. Apparently as per Ibn Batuta, there is a custom where every woman goes to her husband or to her son with a collyrium case and with rosewater and ghalia oil (composed of musk and ambegris) after the'performance of the morning prayer. And he applies the collyrium to both of his eyes, and annoints himself with rosewater and the ghalia-oil. As a result, his skin takes on a polished appearance and ghastliness disappears from his face. Oh the pretty men of those times!!!

Some of the customs does fascinate me. I am sure all of my men friends who read this would be tempted to atleast spend couple of days of their lives at “that” time as the men at that time were treated like somewhat “royalties” back then. Although I do know, most of the men friends I know wouldn’t really survive even a day without their apples, iphones and googles. Now adays weddings and marriages would be all about honeymoons and amount of money we would spend on that dream wedding dress and the cake etc etc. Back then, when the man goes to house of his wife after their wedding, she spreads linen cloth in his honor from the roof of her house to the wedding chamber and along the cloth she places handfuls of cowries to the right as well as to the left of his path up to the wedding chamber. When he comes to her, she throws an article of clothing at his feet which is picked up by his servants. Talk about royalty!! And the amount of cloth women would spend on their weddings. If there was more than 10 weddings the whole roads in Male’ will be paved with cloth wont it?
The dress of the women!!! As Ibn Batuta writes the women went topless..yeup that was how it was! They did not cover their heads and combed their hair to one direction. Most of them wear only a waist wrapper, which covers them from their waist to the lowest part, but the remainder of their body remained uncovered. The female ornaments consist of arm-rings; a certain number of which a woman wears on both forearms in such a manner that the space between the wrist and elbow is covered completely. The rings are of silver and the gold rings are only worn by the wives of sultan and his relatives. There were also ankle-rings called baail and gold necklaces coming down to their breasts called basdarad.

I was quite delighted to find out that the women were quite self sufficient and worked to support themselves. They do work at home at a rate of five dinars or less, getting their keep free from their employees. The main work of the girls are spinning of coconut fiber.

You shall not see what we eat!!! That were the women back then. Although I love and almost all of my friends loves dining with their husbands or with group of friends at our small coffee hangouts, one of the customs back then is that women never dines with their husbands. Strange but true! In fact, the men would never be able to see them eat. The men needs to come home at meal times as the women back then doesn’t entrust anybody else to serve their husbands. She herself, brings him good and takes away the plate, washes his hands and brings him water for ablution and massages his feet when he goes to bed.

So that’s my historical rambling for the day! Ain't I glad I was born at a time when I can simply go out have a coffee with my friends, have dinner with my husband and yes he can see what I eat and just simply apply my treasured body shop foot lotion on MY feet before I go to bed. And yeup thank god for the dress and the shoes, I get to buy.

Putting my arms around a prayer!!

Once again, I am inspired to write..about me..about my "transit" moment as I call it. I know its not just me going through all this and what inspired me to write this morning is one of those women who went through the same. I hope one day, someone in the same journey as I am would read this and get some light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, even a beam of light matters for now! It lifts me up..specially after the way I cheated on the eggs that lay faraway in some laboratory waiting for me to come back. Today was one of those days when I got tempted to take another pregnancy test which as usual was negative. And being the person, in the dream land, I even made my sisters wish me luck for something that as doctors said is "impossible". And here I am disappointed once again, at the whole situation..at the whole humor in all of this..

I guess I am just one of those millions who feels like a passenger in a train that keeps moving yet taking the same roads, seeing the same field, the same rivers and even the same little birds that chirps the most wonderful songs you can hear. But sometimes, you need to get off the train, go to a beach instead and feel the waves kissing your feet. Sometimes, you need to swim with the dolphins and hear the music of the sea..sometimes, you just need a different life, no matter how beautiful everything around you is. I am blessed I know with wonderful families both mine and Navins..great friend that helps me even if they dont know it..with their crazy and funny talks in our constant coffee sessions. And yet, I know my life would always feel empty. And then I wait, for the train to pass the same field and admire the same birds...

I remember those days when my life was too occupied to even think about the scenery around me. I miss those mornings when I would drink the coffee in one gulp and run off to catch the ferry, the fascination on others eyes when I put out the show, the deadlines and my love-hate relationship with the emails. I guess that was the moments i felt alive most. Is it better to ignore the scenery and create your own illusions as I did before or sit and explore every drop of color, every bit of wind, every sound that makes your world a reality, as I am doing now! Giving up my hectic life which was part of who I am today was never easy and was neither an option for me. It was something I had to do, for a better tomorrow for me and Navin.

There are many times now adays when I feel that my life could be a marriage to number of medications and broken dreams but then again I picture the glitter in Navin's eyes and the smile of a proud father when finally I get to tell him he is going to be a dad. Most of the times, thats what gets me going and the other times its just because I am too much of an optimist to give this all up!

So for all those people on the same train as me, you are not alone! This was the moment when I almost collapsed and decided to write and with each letter I am draining out the emotions that holds me back and breaks me down. I hope you find something to hold on to..a reason to fight for!! I hope this would inspire as one of those million woman had given me hope.

and the world awaits..!!

I woke up today inspired to write..something I havent done in a long time..so what do I write about..my life, my world or just the routine of the continuous raving I go on and on about every day. Being away from the rush and finally away from the busy lifestyle I have adapted to ahs made me well..slow down and forced me to look around me. Last night I explored the people near my place listening to someone filled with anger and disgust for whats going on around him. Despite my effort to drown his voices with the loud music from my ipod I cannot help but hear him for the 5 minutes I crossed the whole "gathering". People were just sitting there and listening. How can you listen to all those angry words thats creating such a negative vibe around you? And the previous night it was the same surrounding but had different type of people...there was music bands spreading their music around you and the whole place was packed with youngsters enjoying the beats and breathe the positivness around them. Same place, same time, different nights, different vibe. With all the running around and jumping on and off ferries I have indeed missed the whole transformation. For the last 5-6 years my job had required me to miss the whole scene and today as I chose to settle down I am caught between how much Male' has changed in these small time. Did the politics bring us to stand between anger and content? or has anger become some sort of necessity that you need to take in to live in the society? Do you need to be in a certain side to belong? Early days its just been trying to live your life and dealing with what life puts in front of you. You go to work, hang out with your friends, come home and be with your loved ones.. it was easy and slow. But then again, this is what my world has shown me and I might have "missed out" what had brought in whats going around in anyone else's world. I have been always called the ignorant one anyway..

So, here I am trying to absorb what everyone around me has adapted themselves to.

Little You, Little Me, Little Boxes of Mine

This time life came to me as a breathe of air that consumed my world and lifted me to the sky only to find that I was this close to drown in the clouds. So as fast as it lifted me, I am very much trying to come down and wrap myself with the same sense of familiarity that comforted me. And in my short journey to the sky, I have met so many personalities that kind of transformed me for a while. But, I am what I am..by end of the day I always become what I am.

And as bad as it would sound I do put every person I meet in different boxes called “leagues”. There are people who are in the same box as I am and some of them so far away that I would not want to cross that path ever again. I feel comfortable with those, now who would not close themselves with one thought, and make you feel that yes things in this life does make sense. Paths you take are not as tangled as it seems. Its just a matter of looking at it from a different perspective. Your mind is as open as the world and yes sometimes its ok to live in an illusion as long as you don’t let it take over you.

I have met so many of those whose life is wrapped in their own belief that they go blind to whatever the world is about. But then again, the worst of them are when they believe in something but feel something else. If your belief is that strong why would you feel anything else apart from what your mind is designed to ..well..believe. These people also tell you something else although they act in such a different way that you cannot figure them out. Do they live in a lie created by themselves or do they create a wall around them that has written either deception or confusion around it. And by doing this, they don’t only neglect what life is about but also hurt so many people around them. Whats the use of a belief if you cant properly follow it. In a world that is so open and free, and is all about appreciating the beauty around you aren’t you “supposed” to live it and let live. Sometimes, I do get fascinated by this “league” of people and for a while I tried to fit myself in this box only to find myself more confused and longing to a bit of fresh air. The confusion in their eyes, the misery of them being stuck in a world that they perhaps thought they believe in and a belief that to some extend doesn’t make sense made me feel trapped. There are too many supposed to be, have to do and cannot do in their world. No, I could never be in that league although it fascinates me to what extend they can actually hold on to a lie they have created by themselves. I am so out of that league and yet again back in my own league of box and ready to move on..it took me a while but I am glad to be back!

And then there are those, who feels that the world revolves around them. I looked at them from a distance and felt their pain. They strive to fit in but disapprove of every thing that happens around them. If you do choose to live in a society you got to respect what the society is about. You cannot split the world to good and evil. There is no evil or good..there is the way of how you look at them. You cannot judge anyone unless you have lived their life. What makes a person is not only the family they are born to but also the pain they have suffered, the happiness they have consumed, the love that had fulfilled them or the injustice that had broken them. The lifestyle doesn’t choose you ..You choose them based on what your life has given you. And who has the right to tell you if you are on the right path or not, if you didn’t hold their hands and walked every single step with them. Living in a closed world of your own is the worst. No, you don’t need to live others lifestyle you just need to respect it!

The worst of all are the ones that looks down on every person around you, divides them into colors, countries, societies and still live among them. I have no words for these ones as I don’t think they deserve to be among such beautiful souls and should be locked in a place with their own “league”. Their mockery towards people just because they don’t share the same culture disgusts me.

And here I am, today wrapping all these up..and ready to make a move. It was indeed an adventure but as Alice In wonderland felt the need to leave the fantasy world and face reality, I feel the need to go back to where I will find my comfort. Don’t get me wrong..the fantasy world I lived in fascinated me and made me a better person. I could now see the world better. I am out of the glamour world I was once trapped in and ready to settle down. I am not on the move but yet I feel that there is a whole world, opening its arm to me and waiting for me. So adios lovely people..let me just live a little while in your world and I hope I had touched your hearts the way you all had touched mine.

It doesn’t matter any more to me what road I take..I am just ready for the thrill of what surprises I will meet on my way

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland